this is the plan.
You meet me at Newcastle coach station tomorrow night at 14.30pm. Then we'll make our way to the sea-lion enclosure at Edinburgh zoo. Now I've worked out its around 120 miles so should take us about 15 minutes to walk there, give or take a few hours. We should pack spare pairs of socks in case our feet get cold strolling through the hilly regions, and a spare pair of glasses in case our eyesight deteriorates in the fog.
I can't tell you why we need to go there, you'll have to trust me on this one, I spent 4 years living with sea lions on the outer antarctic ring searching for the the perfect ice cubes, and we get on really well.
AVOID wearing white clothing, they might think you're a polar bear and eat you, especially if we get covered in white hair on the walk there.
AVOID wearing shoes, sea-lions do not like shoes, and WILL eat them if they see them. Like I said, wear lots of socks, they'll think you're feet are like flippers and will treat you as one of their children. If a mother offers you her tit, you must oblige and suckle on her nip. Don't be put off by the taste, you'll get used to it.
AVOID speaking in an accent. sea-lions do not like anyone that speaks with an accent.
AVOID hogging a spliff. sea-lions have very strict rules on spliff etiquette. 3 pull pass. any more, they'll drown you like an otter.
Once we have lived with the sea-lions for 3 months, I will reveal the next phase of the plan.
Other things you must bring to Newcastle for the walk:
A fold-up ironing board. We may get lucky on the walk there, and this will make for an excellent temporary bed to have sex on.
AVOID wearing shoes, sea-lions do not like shoes, and WILL eat them if they see them. Like I said, wear lots of socks, they'll think you're feet are like flippers and will treat you as one of their children. If a mother offers you her tit, you must oblige and suckle on her nip. Don't be put off by the taste, you'll get used to it.
AVOID speaking in an accent. sea-lions do not like anyone that speaks with an accent.
AVOID hogging a spliff. sea-lions have very strict rules on spliff etiquette. 3 pull pass. any more, they'll drown you like an otter.
Once we have lived with the sea-lions for 3 months, I will reveal the next phase of the plan.
Other things you must bring to Newcastle for the walk:
A fold-up ironing board. We may get lucky on the walk there, and this will make for an excellent temporary bed to have sex on.
Condoms. These will make for excellent earplugs by stuffing them in our ears in case any near flying owls decide to try and make our walk hell by following us; swearing obscenities in their owl language. It may not hurt your feelings, but I understand owl fluently and it wouldn't be the first time they've called me names.
Lubricant. Excellent source of protein in case we run out of yorkshire pudpuds. Remember. Food is fuel, without it, we'd have to eat ourselves.
Okay. meet you there at 1985
2.53
.965
02214446
don't ever eat the leaves
No comments:
Post a Comment