no linda, i do not want to come on your fishnet tights, and no kevin, i will not participate in your little perverse swinging parties that you keep inviting me too.
Wednesday 30 March 2011
Friday 25 March 2011
Greigy watch
today I begin stalking to photograph greigy and smalley in public
pref. kissing and holding hands
Sunday 13 March 2011
Saturday 12 March 2011
the plan.
this is the plan.
You meet me at Newcastle coach station tomorrow night at 14.30pm. Then we'll make our way to the sea-lion enclosure at Edinburgh zoo. Now I've worked out its around 120 miles so should take us about 15 minutes to walk there, give or take a few hours. We should pack spare pairs of socks in case our feet get cold strolling through the hilly regions, and a spare pair of glasses in case our eyesight deteriorates in the fog.
I can't tell you why we need to go there, you'll have to trust me on this one, I spent 4 years living with sea lions on the outer antarctic ring searching for the the perfect ice cubes, and we get on really well.
AVOID wearing white clothing, they might think you're a polar bear and eat you, especially if we get covered in white hair on the walk there.
AVOID wearing shoes, sea-lions do not like shoes, and WILL eat them if they see them. Like I said, wear lots of socks, they'll think you're feet are like flippers and will treat you as one of their children. If a mother offers you her tit, you must oblige and suckle on her nip. Don't be put off by the taste, you'll get used to it.
AVOID speaking in an accent. sea-lions do not like anyone that speaks with an accent.
AVOID hogging a spliff. sea-lions have very strict rules on spliff etiquette. 3 pull pass. any more, they'll drown you like an otter.
Once we have lived with the sea-lions for 3 months, I will reveal the next phase of the plan.
Other things you must bring to Newcastle for the walk:
A fold-up ironing board. We may get lucky on the walk there, and this will make for an excellent temporary bed to have sex on.
AVOID wearing shoes, sea-lions do not like shoes, and WILL eat them if they see them. Like I said, wear lots of socks, they'll think you're feet are like flippers and will treat you as one of their children. If a mother offers you her tit, you must oblige and suckle on her nip. Don't be put off by the taste, you'll get used to it.
AVOID speaking in an accent. sea-lions do not like anyone that speaks with an accent.
AVOID hogging a spliff. sea-lions have very strict rules on spliff etiquette. 3 pull pass. any more, they'll drown you like an otter.
Once we have lived with the sea-lions for 3 months, I will reveal the next phase of the plan.
Other things you must bring to Newcastle for the walk:
A fold-up ironing board. We may get lucky on the walk there, and this will make for an excellent temporary bed to have sex on.
Condoms. These will make for excellent earplugs by stuffing them in our ears in case any near flying owls decide to try and make our walk hell by following us; swearing obscenities in their owl language. It may not hurt your feelings, but I understand owl fluently and it wouldn't be the first time they've called me names.
Lubricant. Excellent source of protein in case we run out of yorkshire pudpuds. Remember. Food is fuel, without it, we'd have to eat ourselves.
Okay. meet you there at 1985
2.53
.965
02214446
don't ever eat the leaves
Friday 11 March 2011
how to make your girlfriend feel appreciated
think smalley needs to take a leaf out of rogers book
true happiness
LISTEN UP
im cumin to sheff on monday the fourteenth of march two thousand and eleven , so greigy and smalley u better make urself scared and scarce cos I can hear you crying from here and i'm not puttin up with it.
if I see either of ur cockrotting heads floating about sheff im gunna stamp on mans limbs and steal mans weed. U GET ME?
if I see either of ur cockrotting heads floating about sheff im gunna stamp on mans limbs and steal mans weed. U GET ME?
kiss ma teeeff. too many man chattin breeze nowadays. sheffs turned into hollyoaks. i'm turnin this shit into a fuckin bollywood
my loony bun is fine benny lava
comprende?
Thursday 10 March 2011
best friends yeh?
ahhhhhhh. i see. right..
speshial friend list:
smalley
badman
roger
rob france
treat the same list:
bobby skint
ketty chris
mitchell protractor
if i've missed any of my friends off the list email greigycrush@dontgiveafuck.com and i'll try and fit you in
Wednesday 9 March 2011
apparently charlotte greig is not happy with the blog
HAND OVER OWNERSHIP OF SMALLEY ON THE 15th OF MARCH AT DEV GREEN AND YOU WILL BE EXEMPT FROM RIDICULE FOREVER.
3pm see u there
(please bring along his spare pair of underpants, his spare primark t-shirt and his lunchbox. thank you)
have you ever?
spent an hour rollin a spliff after one gary then give it away after 2 tokes cos u "can't handle it"?
smalley has. faggot
Tuesday 8 March 2011
cunt gallery
september 2010? werent that when u started fuckin greigy? shan cunt
oh wait u were too much of a faggot to fuck her without a jonny i forgot, u just got ur dirty bellend sucked instead.
pussy cunt.
March Book Club Book Review
water-skiing guy on tigers with penis protector and death hawk
my review:
its really really really really really really really good.
Monday 7 March 2011
are you the bos bos?
i'll tell you what i'm less interested in is giving you £40 to end up on a quack handle
okay i'll tell you what, i'll give you £30 for one clarky cat
okay i'll tell you what, i'll give you £30 for one clarky cat
Groundhog
this is a groundhog
this is a groundhog made of meat
this is also groundhog
this is also groundhog made of meat
errrrr yer. never been groundhogged then ur a faggot
badmans official rathouse fit list 2009
1. alex hunt
2. carl atkinson
3. marc layfield
2. carl atkinson
3. marc layfield
4. chris turner
5. phillip hagan
6. tom smalley
5. phillip hagan
6. tom smalley
gay and mingin
mingin and gay
mingin and gay
Sunday 6 March 2011
Crying
Smalley Smalley
Why do you cry?
Smalley Smalley
Why did you lie?
We knew you had your finger in pie,
We're not fucking thick, just because we are high
We saw through your fickle games,
a man on dole,
or a man in pain?
100 taxi's
in 100 days
a taxi to opal,
no time is too late
cos we saw you sneak off in the dark
a rucksack packed with your love ridden heart
toothbrush, boxers, a lunchbox of bud
are you going to sell her a draw, or some love?
we saw through you
from day fucking one
every last lie that slipped from your tounge
punishment came without the need for a gun
cos we pissed in your shoes, and I slept with your mum
Why do you cry?
Smalley Smalley
Why did you lie?
We knew you had your finger in pie,
We're not fucking thick, just because we are high
We saw through your fickle games,
a man on dole,
or a man in pain?
100 taxi's
in 100 days
a taxi to opal,
no time is too late
cos we saw you sneak off in the dark
a rucksack packed with your love ridden heart
toothbrush, boxers, a lunchbox of bud
are you going to sell her a draw, or some love?
we saw through you
from day fucking one
every last lie that slipped from your tounge
punishment came without the need for a gun
cos we pissed in your shoes, and I slept with your mum
dont have sex with the greigs x 5
secret ballbag footage. petrol guzzlin bud smokin lloyd adopting petrol pump attendee
You've fucktttt it
Stinking cheddar cheese, I believe. Toke hard and drop to your knees. Never been as baked as me, or the beans. Still you can't get baked off seeds or the leaves.
Think quick, roll faster, steal a 20 bud of Smalley; but there's still no drama.
Think quick, roll faster, steal a 20 bud of Smalley; but there's still no drama.
Not bad this thieving lark, a free smoke, a half hour fix of dope,
after all a mans a man, and whats a man gunna do when he's black and blue with next to nothing to do.
Beat your friend, circle like vultures.
Armed with pillows, innertubes and home made shanks; this is groundhog culture.
Stab the fucker with a knife cellotaped to a wooden plank.
Smoke dank.
Yes i'm drunk, because I drank.
Continue.
Rest for a minute, armed with a tub of aero.
Smash mans face.
Watch man cry.
Blood pours down through the blink of an eye.
Film like it's the best day of your life.
Laugh like its the best day of your life.
Cry like this buds on some acid ting.
It's happened once before, maybe it was just a summer thing.
2011 might be more tragically more frightening.
After all, he can't hide behind greigy forever..
at some point man leaves opal,
walks down to dev,
I'll be waiting with a ballpoint pen,
ready to stab the kid until he's dead,
dead..
dead..
cockmaster spilling with blood and ink, maybe then we'll realise we went to far, still.. all in the name of bud bmx.
after all a mans a man, and whats a man gunna do when he's black and blue with next to nothing to do.
Beat your friend, circle like vultures.
Armed with pillows, innertubes and home made shanks; this is groundhog culture.
Stab the fucker with a knife cellotaped to a wooden plank.
Smoke dank.
Yes i'm drunk, because I drank.
Continue.
Rest for a minute, armed with a tub of aero.
Smash mans face.
Watch man cry.
Blood pours down through the blink of an eye.
Film like it's the best day of your life.
Laugh like its the best day of your life.
Cry like this buds on some acid ting.
It's happened once before, maybe it was just a summer thing.
2011 might be more tragically more frightening.
After all, he can't hide behind greigy forever..
at some point man leaves opal,
walks down to dev,
I'll be waiting with a ballpoint pen,
ready to stab the kid until he's dead,
dead..
dead..
cockmaster spilling with blood and ink, maybe then we'll realise we went to far, still.. all in the name of bud bmx.
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